i think im smoking way too much. i really really want to cut down. but i cant seem to. and its bad. really bad.

after going to jude's mum's wake today, life is so fragile ya know? she's only 49. died of cancer already. lung cancer. and neither she nor any of their family members smoked. and i smoke. so i guess that puts me at a higher risk?

i know visa thinks that its best to enjoy life now and everything and even if we die young , at least we made an impact or something.

but somehow i just dont want my kids to be without their father. i cant just leave them like that right? jude's sad. even if he doesnt really show it. how the hell can you not be sad. poor guy's only 13 this year. i dont ever wana leave my kids just like that. plus, there's si ying too. i dont wana ever leave her like that. i know she wont be able to take it. and if there's the chance that i do go to heaven, [ hope so ] , i dont wanna look down and see her sad.

conclusion? im going to do my utmost best to stop smoking. most probably i'll totally cut off once the new year starts. it'll be army for me soon too. so its better i try to stay clean. i hope i can do it. i really hope so.

well i guess thats about it for tonight! ciao! tag please!